“Dear Me”

The NACG sent out a call for letters from those who experienced childhood bereavement. The letters were to be written to their younger self and hopefully show today’s grieving children and teens that there is a brighter future ahead.

The following letter’s author is anonymous.

Dear me,

A minute before I heard what happened life seemed amazing. It was exciting and fun and during the summer. I came into the room where mom and auntie had stood. I looked at them both. Knowing someone died. I hate myself everyday for thinking it was my grandmother. I said “granny” no they said. Dad. I knew in my heart as I fell so the ground it was you who took your own life. In that moment I felt empty. My world flipped. As time goes on you here advice from all walks. But you hear the advice that’s been passed down from generations to generations. I have ways I felt or thought during my loss. I began to forget what my father sounded like. His voice was an absent memory. We had no videos or anything. I felt guilty and worthless when I had forgotten how you spoke. And that was something I learnt is okay to accept. I only began to remember his face, the same face in the picture they held upon the casket. Not the one I saw a week before your death. Time doesn’t heal. It’s just with time you become more lost. Life takes over. The absence of that human becomes a little less painful the more you occupy your mind with other tasks.

To those kids in pain. Maybe like I am or was. To the kids who don’t want help from a professional and to the kids who don’t want to watch people around them be forceful for you to be happy. To the kids who felt they weren’t sad enough. Or didn’t react right. Or feel they morned fast. It’s okay.

Cry in your bed late at night until your pillow is wet. It’s okay. But get up the next morning free of your sadness. Forgot about the loss for a day or too. It’s okay. But don’t hate yourself when you do. When you have fun it’s okay. You deserve it.

To the kids like me. You have to fight. The pain is quite unnatural. The feeling stronger on some days. The pain like a rollercoaster. To the kids like me just know your worth enough to be loved and your worth enough to have a place here. Why go and pay for a cinema ticket if you’re not going to watch the movie. Stay. Watch your life. More important, still live your life.

Dear me.