What to Say Instead
We thank you for your commitment to practicing flipping the script. It is important to consider the words we use while supporting children and teens who are grieving. As you flip the script, make sure you’re equipped. View the NACG Listening Guide HERE to help ensure you know the best way to be a good listener and support person for these children.
Grief is deeply personal, and everyone’s experience is unique. Offering support during such a time should be approached with care and understanding, recognizing that what helps one person may not help another. The best way to support someone who is grieving is to ask them what they need. By acknowledging that grief support is contextual and can vary from individual to individual, we create space for the person to guide us on how to be there for them in the most meaningful way.
Hover over the boxes below to learn how to flip the script based on what we may say with an option of what to say instead.
The holidays must be so hard for you.
I’m so happy to see you. I know sometimes the holidays can be hard after someone dies.
I’m sorry for your loss.
I know there are no words to make it better. Just know that I’m here and want to support you however I can.
I completely get what you're going through.
Grief is different for everyone. What has it been like for you?
Shouldn’t you be over grieving by now? The death happened a while ago.
Is your grief feeling extra heavy right now?
You need to be strong.
You might feel like you need to be strong, but you don’t have to be with me.
I heard your [parent] died. I’m sorry to hear that. I hope you are doing okay.
I know your [person] died. I want you to know you can talk to me about this if you want to. I care about you and want to support you.
How are you?
Nice to see you. How is your day going?
Your [person] wouldn’t want you to be sad.
It is okay that you are feeling sad. We can talk about it if you want.
You must be so sad and really miss your person.
I don’t know what you’re going through, but I want to listen if you want to share.
I bet this time of year is hard for you.
Holidays can be hard after someone dies. How are you feeling about [blank] next week?
They’re in a better place.
When people die they can leave a space in our life. What’s something that’s comforting right now?
Tell me how they died.
Tell me about them.
Everything happens for a reason.
"When people die they can leave a space in our life. What’s something that’s comforting right now?"
#FliptheScript by Taking Action
Hover over the boxes below to learn more about how to flip the script based on the action listed in the box.
Be present.
Emphasize the importance of being physically present for young people who are grieving rather than trying to find the “perfect” words. Showcase actions that demonstrate care and attention, such as simply sitting with the child or engaging in a shared activity without the pressure of conversation.
Listen actively.
Promote the value of listening to what young people who are grieving feel and want to express without interruption or immediate responses. Highlight the impact of being a comforting presence that prioritizes understanding over-responding.
Actions speak louder than words.
Focus on the importance of follow-through. When adults promise support or specific actions, it is crucial to ensure these promises are kept. This reinforces trust and provides tangible support that young people who are grieving can rely on.
Press pause on advice.
Discourage the use of clichés and prescriptive statements about how to grieve, how long to grieve, or what to feel. Encourage open-ended questions and responses that allow the young people to lead the conversation according to their needs.
Get moving: Grief is physical, not just emotional.
Address the physical manifestations of grief, not just the emotional. Encourage physical activities that might help young people express and cope with their grief, like walking, playing, or other gentle physical engagement.
Cultivate a supportive environment for sharing.
Stress the importance of creating a non-judgmental space for young people to express their grief. This involves not only verbal communication but also non-verbal cues that show understanding and compassion.
Recognize the uniqueness of each person’s grief.
Acknowledge that every young person is unique, as is their grief experience and their relationship to the person who died. Tailor interactions to their context, relationship, and personality. Avoid one-size-fits-all approaches and instead offer personalized support based on the child’s cues.
Empower young people's voices.
Allow them to share their own stories and feelings.